Dear Jeff Bezos,

By Gonzalo López Martí – Creative director, etc. / LMMiami.com

• It has come to my attention that you unexpectedly pulled the plug on your plans to open Amazon’s Eastern Seaboard HQ in Queens, NY.
• Ah, naughty boy.
• Those obnoxious New Yorkers lured you in with grand promises and ended up playing hard to get, huh?
• They had it coming.
• New Yorkers whining about gentrification?
• C’mon!
• They friggin’ invented the thing in the first place!
• Anyhoo.
• Just so you know, Miami, the city where you spent the best years of your life (your teens), awaits you with open arms.
• Even if you left us at the altar the last time around.
• Unlike your ex, we’re the forgiving type.
• Why Miami?
• For one thing, the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale corridor is usually known as NY’s Sixth Borough.
• Many factors set us apart from the other five though.
• Taxes are low here: no state income tax, no “commuter tax”, nothing of the sort.
• As you might remember too, save for the odd hurricane our weather is amazing.
• Contrary to what you might recall from you high school years, drug cartels are not retaliating against each other in broad daylight anymore.
• Can’t say they are not around still but, if they are, they have improved their table manners substantially.
• In short, crime has been dwindling down here year after year for a few decades now: homicide, auto theft, burglary, you name it.
• Culture and cuisine are thriving these days, possibly like nowhere else in the nation.
• Real estate is getting pricier, yes, but it is still WAY cheaper than in NY.
• There’s plenty of room available for development, commercial and residential.
• We have two international airports with connections to the four corners of the country and the world.
• Plus two massive deep water harbors with capacity for ginormours vessels.
• Lodging?
• You came to the right place!
• Fancy, snobby, seedy, we have hotels and resorts of all the sizes and prices imaginable.
• Don’t quote me on this one but we might have more beds per capita than any other city in the world.
• Speaking of which, your peccadilloes will be forgiven here.
• If there’s a town where your misadventures and escapades will surprise absolutely nobody, it is the big MIA.
• And there’s PLENTY of beautiful Latinas to frolic around, should your love story with Lauren Sánchez come to an end.
• In short, there might be no better place in the world than Miami for a wealthy middle aged multicultural dude like you to spend his hard earned cash (or what’s left of it after those nasty days in court coming your way).
• This is the epitome of a playground for billionaires.
• Think about it, yes?
• We need to diversify our labor force outside of the usual sectors: tourism, real estate, finance and Hispanic showbiz.
• A few thousand tech jobs would come in handy.
• Call or write any time.
• Besos (that’d be “kisses” in Spanish)

PS; we have not one but four Democratic congresswomen. More than enough to appease your limousine liberal guilt: Donna Shalala (Lebanese American), Debbie Mucarsel-Powell (Latina), Federica Wilson (African American) & Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Jewish).

Now that’s diversity. To their credit, they are reasonable grown-ups and, for the most part, BUSINESS FRIENDLY. None of that hostile loony Socialist nonsense you would’ve had to deal with in NY.